Coercive control: It's Not Love, It's Abuse

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour where someone repeatedly controls, intimidates or isolates a person. It often starts gradually with behaviours appearing minor in isolation. Over time these build into a pattern that causes someone to feel anxious, withdrawn and completely dependent on the person harming them.

It’s important to know that coercive control is a criminal offence, but it is often difficult for the person experiencing it to recognise the behaviour.

You may see coercive control be justified or explained away and it can appear at first as caring or personality differences. 

A woman sat on a stool, in front of a chair conducting a video interview.

Signs of coercive control

You may notice changes in someone long before they do, early recognition is important.

The signs can include:

  • Spending less time with friends and family
  • They continually cancel plans
  • Pulling away from activities they once enjoyed
  • They seem anxious or worried about their partner’s reaction
  • They “have to check” before making plans or talk about what they are “allowed” to do
  • Avoiding places, people or activities their partner “doesn’t like”
  • Suddenly justifying spending, having to show receipts, or get approval before purchase

Starting the conversation

If you are concerned about someone, you can check in. A small conversation could change everything.

Talking about someone’s relationship can feel uncomfortable and they may shut the conversation down. Try to be calm, respectful of their boundaries and non-judgemental.

You can keep it simple and focus on what you have noticed about their relationship that has left you concerned.

Examples of what you could say

• You don’t seem yourself lately. How are things?
• I’ve noticed you’ve been cancelling plans; is everything alright?
• I’m concerned about you. I heard how they spoke to you and you seemed on edge. Are you ok?
• They keep texting you. Does that happen a lot?

If someone does disclose something to you, the most important thing is to validate what they share. Let them know that you care. They know their situation best, and they may make decisions you do not agree with.

Your role is to support, not to decide for them. Only they can choose if, when or how to leave or seek help.

The Friends and Family Handbook from Women’s Aid offers further information on how best to support someone you know.

Support services

If you or someone you know are in danger and need immediate help, always call 999.

If you dial 999 but can’t speak, press 55 when prompted by the operator. This is called the silent solution.

For non-emergencies, call 101.

Local support services

Eve 

Eve provide support for women and children who are survivors of domestic abuse. You can:

Northamptonshire Domestic Abuse Service (NDAS)

Support women, men and children who are victim survivors of domestic abuse. You can:

Voice 

Voice support victims and witnesses of crime, and offer specilaist domestic abuse support. You can: 

National support services

National Domestic Abuse Helpline 

This is service is available 24/7 with BSL support Monday to Friday 10am to 6pm. It is run by Refuge.

The Men’s Advice Line

For males experiencing domestic abuse. 

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline

For LGBT+ people experiencing domestic abuse.

Women’s Aid 

Offer information and support to those experiencing domestic abuse. 

Sharan Project 

Provides support to vulnerable women, particularly of South Asian, origin who have been disowned. 

  • Call 0844 504 3231 leave a message with your name, contact number and a safe time to recieve a call back.

Sistah Space 

Provides support to women and girls, particularly of African and Caribbean origin, affected by domestic abuse.